Joseph Heller wrote Catch 22, one of the most significant novels of the 20th century in 1961. In the early 2000’s I was in high school and I obsessed myself over this era of authors. Some a little before and little after, but mostly Richard Brautigan, Tom Robbins, Charles Bukowski, Albert Camus and Kurt Vonnegut.
As a product of a devout religious upbringing, I was delighted by the unapologetic vulgarity of these authors. Their words helped shatter my sheltered perception of the world. In hindsight I wonder if I could have chosen better role models, but then again, how else would I have nurtured the same sense of inappropriate humor that woo’d Greg Kerzhner, whom I later married.
It was around this time that I was also immersing myself in the Mountain View High School darkroom. Igniting a new passion that eventually grew with such intensity that it engulfed my love for reading entirely.
Photography quickly became the only thing I cared about, though it would take years, perhaps even a decade, before I was confident enough to call myself a ‘photographer’. For one reason or another, the title was something I reserved only for those I placed on professional pedestals, such as Ben Moon and Tyler Roemer.
Photos of me during this time by Tyler Roemer
Last month I received a copy a National Geographic book that printed a photo I took alongside a captivating drone image taken by Len Necefer. Our collaboration was a result of a grant we received to document the impact of the Covid crisis on the Navajo Nation during the summer of 2020. In every way the project is bitter sweet to me. When I was granted the permission to work on this project, what I didn't know was that my own father would join the overwhelming population of people who would die from COVID-19.
When my dad died from Covid I felt like I lost the plot. To add to the turmoil, I ended up in a long arm cast for 9 weeks this winter and I physically couldn’t pick up a camera for months. Coupled with the underwhelming workload of 2023 thus far, my career has felt more like an expensive hobby than a fulfilling profession. That’s at least the hot take that my ego has concluded.
In a poem written by Kurt Vonnegut, Joseph Heller is egged on during a dinner party at a billionaire’s house. He’s asked “Joe, how does it make you feel to know that our host only yesterday may have made more money than your novel ‘Catch-22’ has earned in its entire history?” To which Heller replies: “I’ve got something he will never have. I have enough”.
For those who need to hear it, including my ego with her own hot takes and occasional pity parties. This career is hard. It is hard to keep an unwavering belief in yourself, it can be hard to learn to call yourself a photographer. It is incredibly hard to keep pushing yourself, keep hustling and continue to learn with or without an abundance of work.
I can feel all of the above and more in my weakest moments. I’m not sure any one of us is above it. Yet, I can also recognize that I’m happy, and my life is so incredibly fulfilled beyond my wildest dreams. I recognize that I’m creating work that I’m proud of, and I’ve reached career milestones I didn’t know were possible.
So here I am reaching back into my past to carry something else with me from this collection of questionable literary role models. An affirmation that I have something that my ego will never have.
I have enough.